I See You, Tying His Shoes

"Is there a Tarantula inside your head?" 

"Is there a Tarantula inside your head?" he asked. I have been struggling for a while and I'm not just talking about the everyday ups and downs of parenting and juggling work/life balance. For the past year and a half, I've been battling chronic headaches every single day and they have sucked the life out of me. Last Fall, the daily headaches were accompanied with uncontrollable migraines and I was referred to a neurologist. It has been a difficult road ever since, but this week, THIS WEEK, has been a BIG week!

Rewind to last Fall. I found myself needing to come home to sleep on ice packs between the 45 minute car-rider gap between elementary school and preschool drop-off. On the days I felt okay, I'd try to squeeze in the gym or savor the last bit of one-on-one time I had with my tot by taking him to the park for a quick walk to feed his turtle friends. I frequently volunteered in my older son's 2nd grade classroom and his teacher didn't know it, but so many days I showed up with a migraine and I so looked forward to her hug. I found comfort in knowing she loved having me there. Comfort in the opportunity to have extra time with my son and pour into the hearts and minds of children in the class. I was always thankful for that opportunity and his teacher, especially. Spending my time to help in the classroom was the least I could do to give back. It was a happy, special time and always took my mind away from the lingering pain that fogged my brain.

The truth is, I feel crummy all the time. There have been so many mornings I've woken with a migraine. I fake being fine long enough to get the boys to school and burst into tears as they leap from the car because I can't hold it in any longer. If I don't wake with one, a headache at the minimum is bound to set in at any point. That constant, nagging headache that feels as if it's ruining my joy of motherhood. I can't bare to tell them again that mommy doesn't feel good, so I don't. It's not fair to them. I want them to run and play, laugh and sing, be loud and have fun. I suck it up and function. It's hard. I feel a crying, suffering pain inside reaching for help...

Over the past year, my neurologist has prescribed different medications that have given me some relief here and there, but nothing that has truly been effective yet. I've been doing everything I know of to rule out different triggers, find remedies, and get the the bottom of this. So many doctor appointments, frustrations, trial and errors, and what feels like an endless battle searching for some sort of answer.

Darker Days
But over the course of the past 6 weeks or so, things took a turn for the worse. The migraine frequency and intensity increased. Since day one, my biggest fear was that something could be seriously wrong. So as my condition grew worse, so did my worry. I was scared. I was terrified. My mind went to some really dark places and I sobbed over horrible, gut wrenching thoughts no parent of small children ever wants to think about. The worry got the best of me and it completely stole my focus and attention. I've been doing the best I can lately and it hasn't been enough. I know that. But what I needed to get out of this rut was peace of mind. Peace from anxiety and fear that nothing life-threatening lingered.

My Village
My husband is my rock. My friends and family have been checking in and praying with me. Those closest to me have shown so much love and support throughout all of this. But there are those of you who don't even realize how much help you've been. You've had my back in ways you don't even know. You are the sweet teachers and staff at our kids' school, some of who we are lucky enough to call a friend. You've been loving on our boys while I've been so fiercely struggling. I saw you kneel down on the sidewalk to tie both my 5-year-old's shoes when he hopped out of the car on his way into school two days ago. My mind was waiting on test results and I completely missed that one. I love that so many of you give them an extra pat on the back each morning. It makes them feel so good. I've forgotten spelling tests and you've reached out to me. I checked out my boys from the front office last week and you have no idea how chipper you made me feel when the tone of your voices changed and a smile quickly emerged on your faces when I mentioned their names. I can't help but beam and shake my head, wondering what my boys have done to make you grin so honestly. I know they can be a handful at times. But clearly, you see them. You see how bright their lights shine. You notice the way my 3rd grader still blows me kisses without a care and how loudly my baby shouts, "I love you, Mom!" so angelically. You understand a mother's love and you always show kindness towards our family. I am sorry I haven't been all there. But you have. You've taken such great care of our boys while they've been at school on top of taking care of your own families and I appreciate that more than you'll ever know. You have given me time to dig and time to mend knowing they are in such good hands during the day. You are a huge part of my village and I can't thank you enough for providing our boys with such a strong support system.

Results are In!
This week I've been in a silent panic, worried sick over how this was going to end. Yes, END. I wanted to put an end to ever having to think these horrible thoughts again. I wanted clearance and reassurance knowing I was good to go. I know that there is a problem. But this week, I needed to rule out my worst nightmare. I prayed for answers and within those answers, I prayed for a clear scan. I needed to rest in that relief, not only to give me the patience to go after the nitty-gritty triggers, but to help me regain focus on my family.

After hearing the best news ever at my followup neurologist appointment, scan is all clear!!!,  I was greeted at our front door with four little arms wrapped so tightly around my waist. They had also been anxiously waiting and their little souls needed to be put at ease as well. I told the boys with such happiness, "there's nothing bad going on inside mommy's head." My 5-year-old rationalizes it best by knowing there's not a tarantula in my head and we get to spend more time together on Earth. My 8-year-old has asked me some pretty difficult questions about sickness and Heaven, but right now, we can all move far away from the scary stuff and rest in God's protection.

Crack the Code
THANK YOU to those of you who have played an important part in helping me and my family get through this tough time. I'm going to keep searching for an answer. I want to get to the root of the problem and fix it. For some reason, identifying the cause of headaches is not an easy thing to do. Doctor's don't really know why people get headaches and it's an extremely complex topic. 

I was told yesterday that my chance of finding the cause is about 1 and 500, and that's being generous. Humh... he doesn't know who he's talking to. I'm not a quitter. And now it's gone and messed with my kids and so watch out, I'm coming after it and I WILL fix this. I'm not ready to give up. I've got a plan and a few theories I'm going after next! But wow, I can certainly say a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Thank you, Jesus!

This is a season, I know. But I'm usually one to have it all together (or at least I can get it together). It's not easy to admit I've fallen short in so many areas lately. I guess you wouldn't know it from the outside looking in - I've just made it a habit to pull myself together the best I can, slap on a smile, and take care of things the best I can. Things are going to be different from here on out though... I'm feeling much more positive about the future.  

I say all this because no matter what you're dealing with, or silently struggling with, your village is there for you. It's okay to sound the alarm and call in the troops. My greatest hope is that maybe, just maybe, sharing my story will open the door to a new idea, connection, or answer for those of us struggling with chronic headaches and migraines.